Hello everyone!
Welcome back to Cosette’s Beauty Pantry for another Mindful Monday, where we dive into topics that nurture our mental and emotional well-being. Today, I’m thrilled to explore a subject that’s both gripping and thought-provoking, inspired by the final season of Netflix’s You, which dropped a few days ago. This psychological thriller, centred on the dangerously charming Joe Goldberg, offers a chilling lens through which we can examine obsessive partners and toxic relationships. As we reflect on Joe’s twisted journey, let’s unpack the red flags of obsession, the dynamics of unhealthy relationships, and how we can foster healthier connections in our own lives.
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For those unfamiliar, You follows Joe Goldberg (played by Penn Badgley), a charismatic yet deeply disturbed individual whose pursuit of “love” blurs the line between devotion and obsession. Over five seasons, we’ve watched Joe fixate on women, from Guinevere Beck to Love Quinn, justifying his stalking, manipulation, and even murder as acts of romance. The final season, which I won’t spoil, continues to explore these themes, prompting viewers to question how media portrayals of love might shape our perceptions of relationships. While You is fictional, its depiction of toxic dynamics resonates with real-world experiences, making it a perfect springboard for today’s discussion.
The Allure of the Obsessive Partner
At first glance, Joe Goldberg seems like the ideal partner: attentive, thoughtful, and utterly devoted. He remembers every detail about his love interest, from their favourite book to their coffee order. But this intensity is where the trouble begins. Obsessive partners often start with grand gestures that feel flattering—constant texts, surprise visits, or an uncanny ability to “know” what you need. However, as You illustrates, this behaviour can quickly escalate into control, surveillance, and a disregard for boundaries.
In real life, obsessive tendencies might not involve breaking into someone’s flat (thankfully!), but they can manifest in subtler, equally harmful ways. For example, a partner who insists on knowing your whereabouts at all times, bombards you with messages when you’re out with friends, or guilts you into prioritising them over your own needs is displaying red flags. These behaviours stem from insecurity or a need for control, not love, and can erode your sense of self over time. Joe’s character, with his internal monologues rationalising his actions, reminds us how easily obsession can be mistaken for passion, especially when wrapped in charm or good looks.
Toxic Relationships: Recognising the Signs
Toxic relationships, like those depicted in You, are characterised by a lack of mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety. Joe’s relationships are textbook examples: he manipulates his partners, isolates them from their support networks, and shifts blame to avoid accountability. In season three, his marriage to Love Quinn (Victoria Pedretti) highlights how two toxic individuals can amplify each other’s destructive tendencies, creating a volatile dynamic that’s as fascinating as it is disturbing.
So, what are the hallmarks of a toxic relationship? Drawing from both You and real-world insights, here are some key signs to watch for:
- Control and Manipulation: A toxic partner may try to dictate your choices, from what you wear to who you spend time with. Joe’s habit of “curating” his partners’ lives—whether by stealing their phones or sabotaging their friendships—mirrors real-life tactics like gaslighting or guilt-tripping.
- Lack of Accountability: Toxic individuals rarely own their mistakes. In You, Joe constantly justifies his actions, blaming his victims or external circumstances. A partner who refuses to apologise or shifts blame onto you creates a cycle of self-doubt and guilt.
- Isolation: Joe often works to cut his partners off from friends and family, making himself their sole source of validation. In healthy relationships, partners encourage each other’s independence and social connections, not restrict them.
- Emotional Rollercoasters: Unpredictable mood swings or intense highs and lows, as seen in Joe and Love’s tumultuous marriage, can leave you feeling anxious and walking on eggshells. Healthy relationships foster stability and open communication.
- Obsession Disguised as Love: Joe’s fixation on his partners is portrayed as romantic devotion, but it’s rooted in possession, not affection. True love respects boundaries and prioritises mutual growth, not control.
These patterns aren’t just plot devices in You—they reflect dynamics that can creep into real relationships, especially when we’re conditioned to romanticise intensity or overlook red flags. Social media, as noted in discussions around You, exacerbates this by normalising digital surveillance, like checking a partner’s location or scrutinising their online activity. What starts as curiosity can spiral into obsession, blurring the line between care and control.
The Media’s Role in Shaping Perceptions
One of the most unsettling aspects of You is how it manipulates viewers into rooting for Joe, at least initially. His good looks, wit, and moments of vulnerability make it easy to sympathise with him, despite his heinous actions. This mirrors a broader issue in media, where toxic relationships are often glamorised. From Twilight’s Edward Cullen to Fifty Shades of Grey’s Christian Grey, we’re fed narratives that equate possessiveness with passion, especially when the character is attractive or charismatic.
This glorification can desensitise us to unhealthy behaviours, particularly for younger audiences. For women navigating modern dating culture, media portrayals can shape expectations, making it harder to spot red flags. You challenges us to question these narratives by exposing Joe’s behaviour for what it is: abusive and destructive. The final season, in particular, has sparked conversations on platforms like X, with fans debating whether the show justifies Joe’s actions or critiques them. While some feel it offers Joe a “fake redemption", others see it as a cautionary tale about the dangers of obsession.
Breaking Free and Building Healthier Connections
Recognising toxic dynamics is the first step, but breaking free requires courage and support. If you suspect you’re in a toxic relationship, here are some mindful steps to take:
- Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, don’t dismiss it. That tightening in your stomach when your partner crosses a boundary is a signal to pay attention.
- Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can offer perspective. Isolation is a tactic of toxic partners, so rebuilding your support network is crucial.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your needs and limits. Healthy partners respect boundaries; toxic ones push against them.
- Prioritise Self-Love: Obsessive relationships often thrive on low self-esteem. Invest in activities that boost your confidence, like journaling, exercising, or creative hobbies, to rediscover your worth.
- Educate Yourself: Shows like You can be a starting point for learning about toxic dynamics. Resources like books on emotional abuse or counselling services can provide deeper insights.
As we reflect on You’s final season, let’s use its provocative storytelling to spark meaningful conversations about love, respect, and self-worth. Healthy relationships aren’t about intensity or possession—they’re about mutual trust, growth, and feeling safe to be yourself. By recognising the signs of obsession and toxicity, we empower ourselves to cultivate connections that uplift rather than diminish us.
Final Thoughts
You may be a thrilling escape, but it’s also a mirror reflecting the complexities of human relationships. Joe Goldberg’s story reminds us that love should never come at the cost of our autonomy or well-being. As we navigate our own relationships, let’s stay mindful of the boundaries that keep us safe and the values that define healthy love.
What are your thoughts on You’s portrayal of toxic relationships? Have you noticed any red flags in your own life or media you consume that made you rethink what love should look like? Share your insights in the comments below—I’d love to hear from you!
Until next time, stay mindful and take care.
